Why self-love is the opposite of selfish

There's a huge misconception that self-love is selfish. And maybe it's because people automatically assume that loving yourself means loving you and only you, and not having any love left to love others.


But the reality is, that there's enough love for everyone. You cultivating your ability to love yourself, doesn't rob others from the gift of your love. In fact, the more you become comfortable with loving yourself, the easier it is for you to share your love with others, and that's exactly what we'll dive into inside this training. 

When we talk about love in this program, we're not talking about romantic love specifically, although everything you'll learn in here, could of course also be applied to romantic love.



See - love is an energy. And it's an energy that's limitless, and available to all of us. You can love yourself, your mom, your dad, your partner, your friends, and your colleagues all together. But here's the catch: loving others doesn't mean saying yes to everything they request from you. And any time that you catch yourself doing something for others, which also implies saying no to your soul, please know, that that's not love. That's fear. Fear of not being loved, of not being respected, of being judged, of being criticised, of being rejected, and a million other things.


So now you're probably wondering... ''Ok Mary, so what's the line between doing things based on love or based on fear? How do I know which one is driving me?''


And here's the answer: every time you say no to your soul, you're acting from fear. And every time you say yes to your soul, you're acting from love. And here's why.


Your soul doesn't just want what's best for you, it wants what's best for everyone. And this idea that in order for one person to be happy, another one needs to be miserable, is an illusion based on fear and scarcity. You can look at your soul as your individual way to connect to the magical energy of The Universe, which is at the same time connected to the soul of every other human being around you.

The Universe is a kind and loving space that wants what's best for everyone in it. And if your soul is your way to connect to this Universe, then fulfilling your soul's desires, means acting from a place of mutual love not only for yourself but also for others.


So having this knowing that self-love has nothing to do with being selfish, how do you make sure that you're doing what's best both for you and for others?


Well - you learn and practice loving yourself first, and then you shine this love on others. You should never have to stop showing yourself love, in order to show love to others.



In the same way in which you build relationships with the people around you, whether you're aware of it or not, you also have built a relationship with yourself. And here's the thing. Your ability to build healthy relationships with others, is 100% related to your relationship with yourself.



Human beings were born to be loved, and it's in our nature to seek this love in different places and people until we find it. In fact, we could easily link all those situations in which we feel deep sadness, disappointment, anger and frustration, to an either conscious or unconscious profound wound of not being loved or even lovable.


You may not initially notice this when some random person in the office tells you something that offended you. Maybe in that moment you wouldn't agree that you're hurt because they didn't love you. You'd probably think... ''What do I care about if that person loves me or not?'' And my answer to that would be that when we seek love, it isn't really about specific persons. As human beings, we just want love, and we gravitate toward anyone or anything that makes us feel loved.


Love comes in many forms and has many masks: acceptance, respect, validation, camaraderie, romanticism, trust, and so many more. So at the very core and in general, the point really isn't where that love comes from, but whether we're receiving the love that we desire and deserve, or not.


So here's where I go back to your relationship with yourself and why it's so important. If you're unaware that you can give yourself all the love in the world through your own relationship with yourself, you'll automatically start looking for this love outside of yourself only.


But when you fail to get specific types of love from different people, while your own love supply is low or almost empty, then you'll face a lot of heart break, disappointment, and your self-esteem will also suffer quite a lot depending on how much love you receive from others. And this idea that others are not giving you the love that you deserve, in whichever form of love that is for different situations, will hurt your ability to advance in the creation of healthy relationships with those people.



Now let me be clear on something. I'm not saying that you should accept others repeatedly disrespecting you or that you should accept others doing to you things that you're not okay with. We'll dive deeper into this specific aspect of dealing with other people's actions in Training #3 of this Module. What I'm saying is that you shouldn't be emotionally dependent on their love to feel good about yourself. Your main and primary source of love should be your very own, and after you've covered that, then you're free to gravitate as much as you want, toward those human beings and environments that feel like beautiful sources of love as well.


When you make sure that you're giving yourself the love that you deserve to feel fulfilled and recharged, then you have the best possible energy and willingness to face the challenges that come your way. You're not worried or afraid of others not giving you that love that you so much crave, because you've already given that to you. Anymore love that comes your way will happily be accepted with open arms, but you won't break down if you don't get it.



And see - here's where we start considering showing our love to others. When we have already filled our inner cup of love, and taken care of ourselves, then we can start showing our love to others, from a place of abundance and true care, through our energy and our actions.


We don't give love so that we get it back. We give love because we broke free from the illusion that there's not enough love in the world and that we can only give it to those who we're sure we'll return it to us. Again - that's a scarcity mentality that you won't be operating in anymore. Instead, you'll feel so abundant in your own ability to love yourself and so recharged, that you'll start showing up in the world with enthusiasm, excitement, joy and creativity. All of a sudden, it's like you've set yourself free from the exhausting addiction to love coming from others.



In general lack of love causes us to feel down. We feel sad, incapable, unmotivated, and overall, very low in energy. But when we feel loved,  we feel joyful, excited, confident, light, and overall, high in energy!

And guess what? Your ability to show up in the world and specifically at your job, feeling joyful, excited, confident and light, is a win-win situation for you and the people around you. The better you feel, the better you'll perform and relate to others.


This applies to you and to everyone around you. And that's why, people in general, gets moody and sensitive when they're having any type of relationship problem that cuts off their main source of love, and they haven't cultivated and nurtured their own source of love.



So my love, by cultivating and nurturing your ability to love yourself, you're not only doing something good for yourself, but you're also doing a huge favour to everyone around you. Your own self-love is an act of love towards the world. Just imagine what the world would look like, if everyone was doing, what you're doing now?