Updated: Jan 3
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A lot of people, myself included, have huge break-throughs when they go through break-ups. Mine was at the beginning of 2017, when all of a sudden, the tree that I had worked on watering and nourishing day after day, pretty much died.
When my break-up happened, I didn't really rely on romantic self-help books. I relied on spiritual books in general. To me, although it was only the end of a relationship, it felt like the whole world was falling apart. So advice that was only romantic, didn't catch my attention that much. I needed life advice. I needed to unlearn everything that I had learned, and learn something new, because I felt that what I had learned was a bunch of useless lies. I felt like I had waken up everyday of my life to an idea of love, that from one day to the next, completely vanished.
I needed something real
I remember feeling angry, hopeless, sad and frustrated, all at the same time. And I remember feeling like nobody would understand what I was going through. I felt that if I talked to my loved ones and asked for support, they were just going to say what they thought I wanted to hear to feel better. And I didn't want that. I wanted something real. I wanted something that worked.
I wanted to be born again without all the pain that I was feeling. I didn't want to go out drinking or eating to dissipate the pain for a few hours and then come back to deal with it again. I wanted to exterminate the freaking pain. And this need, led me to spiritual books that became a place of love and safety for me. I felt that those books were taking care of me. They made me reflect on myself, on my thoughts and on my beliefs. Then I started journaling what was inside of me, and I remember feeling like some magical force was doing surgery on me. I combined journaling with meditation, and slowly, the old Mary started dying, and a new one started showing up.
I'm not the only one
Over the years, I've noticed that I'm not the only one that has gone through this type of break-through. Many people go through break-throughs and experience strong spiritual awakenings when they go through painful break-ups.
Four years after that happened, I realise that I have never sat down to fully reflect on why this happened. So today, I'm feeling inspired to give it a try.
It's the freaking pain
I'll dare to say that I believe that the reason why so many people have break-throughs after a break-up, is not because of the break-up itself, but because of the pain. Meaning that a lame break-up that didn't have much of an effect on you, will probably not generate this break-through that I'm talking about.
In my case, the pain came from not understanding. I felt frustrated, because none of my thoughts were making sense. Before the break-up, I believed that I was good enough. I believed that I was beautiful. I believed that I was successful. I considered myself brave and capable, and the thing that crashed me, was that I believed that I was loved.
The love went away and so did my value
From one day to the next, I realised that I wasn't loved anymore. I wasn't loved anymore by that specific person only, but since I had attached so much of my value as a person to that one love, then all of that value went away with it. My brain kept screaming at me, ''since you believed that you were loved and you weren't, that means that all the other things that you believed are also not true. You're not good enough. If you were, why wouldn't that person love you? You're not beautiful, you're not successful, you're not brave nor capable. And you're not loved, because you're none of those things''.
Do you know how hard it is to get out of bed every morning to get shit done, when you feel like that? I think that most people have at some point in their lives felt like that, so I wouldn't be surprised if you actually knew what I'm talking about. And here's the thing. If you've felt like this, or if you're feeling it right now, I understand how you feel. I'm here, I extend my understanding and love to you, and I want to let you know that all of those ugly things that you're thinking, are not true.
And then your soul screams
And see, that's when the spiritual awakening happens. When you get angry at feeling like that everyday, because something in you tells you that you don't deserve to feel that way. And that something, is your soul. So for the first time, I could hear my soul.
I could hear my soul saying, ''those thoughts are not true. And the problem is not your thoughts, the problems is that for 24 years, you've lived your life believing those thoughts. And now, when you see that the ones that you actually liked and relied on, are not true, you feel empty. You feel empty because you don't know what to believe anymore''.
The break-through that happens specifically through a break-up, makes you understand the hard way, that you can believe whatever you want. It makes you understand that you can wake up any day and say ''I'm successful today because I say so'', and you can make that your reality, just because.
The break-through that took place after my break-up, was my soul screaming at me ''damn it Mary! I've been trying to tell you for years that you get to choose by yourself what you believe in. I've been trying to tell you for years that you don't have to wait for other people to state things, for you to have something to hold on to. And you don't have to believe every single thought that pops in your mind. I've been trying to tell you this, but you don't listen to me. And the pain that you're feeling right now, you're feeling because you're holding on to a bunch of painful thoughts that are not true''.
Grateful for the pain
Today, 30 year-old Mary, couldn't be more grateful for the pain that I felt at that time. I'm thankful to it because it woke me up and it made me better in every aspect of my life.
So if you're going through something painful right now, it could be a break-up or something else, listen to your pain and see what thoughts that pain is linked to. Ask yourself what you're believing about that thing that's happening, and ask yourself if what you're believing is actually true. It could be, that you've been holding on to things that are ready to be let go of.
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