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What to say. What to do. What to even think. What to learn.
I feel like I've finally learned to live. I feel like I've finally learned to stop running away. At least I feel that I do it less often. I can see my old belief system trying to manipulate my new decisions, trying to make me scared, trying to keep me small, trying to frighten me. But that's it. I can now see it. I can choose what to do about it. I must be honest, sometimes I give in. But only to realise how little I gain when I do. The answers are now always so clear.
I wish I could help more people
I wish I could help more people. I wish I could make them see what I see. At the same time, I wish I felt more confident of what I now think, than how I actually feel. I wish I could project how deep down I believe in that, which up here I still don't know how to exteriorise.
I help myself to help you better
I still leave room for doubt, for fear, for my old frightened little person. I feel like the more confident I become, the more I'll be able to help others. I feel like there can't be room for my own doubts, because the doubts of the ones whom I want to help take too much room already. I feel like I need to help myself to help others. At the same time, I feel that the line needs to be crossed, and I'm not always sure when, where and how to do that.
I ask but I appreciate
I ask for light, for clarity, for wisdom, for confidence. I ask for peace and joy, regardless of the circumstances. I ask for patience and perseverance. I ask for faith. I ask for acceptance. I ask for growth. I ask for gratitude.
While I ask for all that, I'm thankful for where I'm at. I'm thankful for the light and clarity that I have today. I'm thankful for the confidence that I've developed. I'm thankful for the patience and perseverance that has gotten me here.
I look back and I can not believe how many things have changed, all the things that I've done, the people that I've met, the growth that I've experienced. How many times I have packed my things and started a new life, in a new city, with new people. How many memories I've made.
Everything has, is and will be perfect - always
How many things have gone as expected, and how many others completely blew my mind by how off they went. It blows my mind, how for every disappointment, life has rewarded me with so many pleasant surprises.
I couldn't feel luckier and more overwhelmed by my current situation. It's been too much, and at the same time, just enough. It's not perfect, but it actually is. Everything has been chaotic and smooth at the same time.
Perfection. Everything starts to make sense.
Thank you life, thank you for so much.