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Today, my soul and I got into a fight. I got angry at her because, I've been doing everything she says. I've been letting her call my steps, and I was unhappy with the results that I've been seeing in some areas of my life. It was one of those moments in which you feel lost in life and don't really know what to do about it because you're feeling stuck.
So over breakfast, while eating my porridge and coffee, I started crying and yelling at her. I told her how confused I was and how disappointed I was on the road that she had chosen for me. I said...
''Geez, I've been so patient. I've been doing my meditation. I've created a daily schedule that aligns to your way of doing things, I've practiced gratitude over everything that I already have, and what do you give me in return? You give me freaking COVID!''
Yup - like almost everyone else in the world by now, I got the rona, and in my particular case I was sick for an entire week and I'm still recovering from it.
But COVID wasn't really the cause of my anger with my soul. That simply felt like something I wanted to take out on her as well.
Soul Disconnection = Feeling lost in life
So after yelling at my soul, I decided that I didn't even want to meditate. So I opened my computer and decided to do everything that my soul would advice me against. As minutes went by, I could notice myself getting more bitter and insecure, and feeling more lost in life every time. I quickly noticed that holding anger against my soul felt exactly the same as holding anger against my boyfriend or anyone really, after you get into a fight and want to prove yourself right. Fighting my soul was definitely not helping me move forward in life. In fact, it was making me feel stuck in life.
And then it hit me: how to move forward in life
And so in that moment it hit me: my relationship with my soul wasn't any different to any other relationship in my life, except for the part that I couldn't even break up with her. So at that point, I realised that I had to go back, talk to her, and find a way to fix this, because trying to make my way through the day without her help wasn't really working. So I decided to go to my bed, lay down, close my eyes, go into meditation, and reach out to her. And this is how what felt like a Monday management meeting between an angry employee and an empathetic boss started. I was the angry employee and my soul was the empathetic boss.
It's okay to tell her that you feel lost in life
Over this 30 minute long meditation, I understood that not only is it okay to tell your soul how angry and disappointed you are of her when you feel lost in life or stuck in life, but it's also necessary. Because as with any other relationship, holding things inside your chest, not speaking your mind out, and not creating a safe space for your feelings to flow, will only make you feel overloaded with shit.
However, just yelling and not being willing to listen isn't going to cut it either. And that's why going into meditation, while both allowing myself to be honest with my soul but also creating space to listen to her words, was ultimately what made me feel better.
There's really no other option
Building a relationship with your soul isn't easy. But truthfully, not having a relationship with your soul isn't really an option. It lives within you. It's the essence of you. So you're either actively working on moving forward in life with her help, or you're trying to move forward in life without her help, and painfully struggling while feeling stuck and lost in life. Today hasn't been an easy day. This entire past week hasn't been easy really. But what I can tell you for sure, is that as soon as I attempted to break up with my soul and to have a ''productive'' day moving forward without her, everything went south pretty quickly, making me feel lost and uninspired. The things in my life that already felt hard, became unbearably harder. And the areas in which I was already making slow but steady progress, got stuck. And although I'm still having a hard time processing and accepting that the way of the soul can be very challenging at times, once you know it, trying to live life in disconnection to her, is simply excruciatingly painful and extremely unproductive. So my love, the moral of the story is as usual: stay connected to your soul even when things get hard, and especially when things get hard, because your soul always knows better than your ego, and is always already making things easier for you, than they would be without her help. Your soul will always tell you what's the right next step to move forward in life, and if you talk to her on a daily basis, you'll always know what to do and you'll stop feeling lost in life. Love, Mary.
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