Why am I always falling behind? | Breaking this heart-breaking illusion

Updated: Dec 29, 2021

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I have this recurrent feeling that my entire life has been about falling behind with respect to others. As the youngest of 3 sisters, it's of course no surprise that I would naturally be behind, and until a certain point, I guess I was okay with it.



I was the little one, so it was okay that I didn't have as much money, as much freedom, as many friends, the dream boyfriend, the dream house, the dream car, the dream holidays. That was going to eventually come, when the time was right. But it turns out, that after some years, I reached a point where it felt like we should all be at the same point already.


Ever since I can remember, people kept using my sisters as a reference, and although they probably didn't really think their words had an impact on my way of living, every time one of my sisters celebrated a big milestone in their lives, like graduation, or getting married, or getting their first house, or even being pregnant for the first time, the natural question thrown at me over and over again has been ''so when will your turn be? when are you graduating? when are you getting a home for yourself? when are you getting a boyfriend? when are you getting married? when are you having a baby?''


The unconscious rush

Being fully honest, I never felt consciously pressured by none of those comments. My belief system was so sure that whatever my sisters did, I would naturally do afterwards, that all those questions seemed natural. But although I didn't consciously feel any pressure, I was in an unconscious rush to achieve all the things that my sisters where achieving, as fast as possible, so that I could meet them in that point where the 3 of us where equal and I stopped feeling behind.


Rushing didn't seem to me like a problem until I reached my late 20's, and I realised that my unconscious rush hadn't taken me to where I wanted to be. I found myself graduating with honours from a career that ever since I started studying, I had doubts of it being the right career for me. But because I was in a such a rush, pausing, reflecting and maybe trying something else wasn't an option. I would fall even more behind and I needed to graduate as soon as possible. So of course not, I wouldn't even consider the option.


And then it was undeniable

The economical crisis in Venezuela and my family's financial situation was definitely something that rushed me even more around that period of my life. I needed to get a job fast, because I wanted to release my parents from the pressure of taking care of me, since I was the only child who wasn't yet independent. And so I did, I graduated fast and got a job abroad.


But a few months later, me being in the wrong path became undeniable. So I quit and started the first Master program that offered me a scholarship abroad, even if I barely cared about what the Master program was about. I was in a rush, remember? I needed money. I needed to be a grown up. I couldn't pause and reflect. I was in a hurry to be where others seemed to already be.


Unconscious patterns stay

The thing is that, when we have a pattern that we're unaware off, we'll quit things and start other things, but the pattern that's bringing us problems will always be there, underneath the actions that we're taking. My pattern, was rushing to be where others were, regardless of what my soul told me.


I use my sisters as examples, because I guess that that's where it all started, even if no one was intentionally pushing me to be like them or to rush to be where they were. The reality is that most self sabotaging patterns are absorbed from around us, but they're not intentionally imposed to us by anyone with bad intentions. If anything, our family is always doing their best to protect us and to keep us safe, with the tools and information that they have at hand, while carrying their own unseen and unhealed childhood trauma within themselves.


The ironic truth about rushing

If you share with me the pattern of rushing to not fall behind, let me tell you what I have discovered over the past years: The longer it takes you to slow down and stop rushing, the more you'll fall behind. Ironic, isn't it? The more you rush, the more you fall behind.


And see my love, what happens is that when you're rushing for the wrong reasons, your soul will start speaking to you. But the more you rush because you're lost in the noise of outside expectations, the less you can listen to your soul, even though she's talking and trying to guide you. And so one day, your soul will be in so much pain, that she will scream. And she'll scream so loud, that you won't be able to ignore her.


You'll be forced to pause

In that moment, you'll be forced to pause and to reflect. You'll be forced to notice that you've been rushing for the wrong reasons, and you'll question why you've been doing that. And in that moment, you'll be forced to pause, because rushing is not sustainable anymore, because rushing has been taking you at the speed of light to every place that you didn't even want to go to in the first place. And in that moment, when you're finally forced to pause, you'll fall behind way more than you would've, if you had paused to reflect much earlier, when you thought that pausing wasn't an option.


If you're rushing to the wrong place, you'll for sure, eventually be forced to pause. You'll be forced to be honest with yourself and others. You'll be forced to ask for help and to receive help. You'll be forced to be vulnerable. And on that note, your ego will be forced to die, so that your soul can take over.


More behind than ever before

As I'm sharing this story with you, I'm 31 years old. I successfully rushed into doing fast everything that I thought I had to do to be equal to the people around me. And because it wasn't until very recently that my soul started screaming at me, it was also very recently that I was forced to pause.


So guess what's happening right now? If I compare myself to the people around me, I'm falling more behind than ever. I'm falling behind with respect not just to my sisters, but with respect to my high-school and university friends; people who at one point, I thought I was ahead of. I'm even falling behind with respect to cousins that were 10 years-old when I was a grown ass woman in university in my 20's.


What's better?

But today I can tell you, that although my ego cringes in all those social reunions where conversation revolves around everyone having to achieve the same thing at a certain age or else you're a failure, my soul can not care less. Because my soul knows, that it's better to be ahead in her journey, than to be ahead in someone else's idea of what life should look like.


And I can tell you that when it comes to my soul's journey, even if that's not something that you get a university medal for, or congratulated for during Christmas dinner with your family, I know that I'm way ahead than so many other humans that are letting their own egoic mind limitations consume their happiness, as they're celebrated by society for the job they got or the money they make.


What's guiding is up to us

At this point, my soul's message for us humans, is this one...


It's up to us to choose if we want to live our lives guided by our soul's journey, even if that means that we'll seem to be behind with respect to others, or if we want to let our ego guide us, so that we're behind in our soul's journey but ahead in the eyes of the people that we feel are judging us.


At the end of the day my love, it all comes down to how much you're willing to let other people's opinions rule your life, and how much you're willing to rise above the noise, and start walking your own journey. And that's going to take a certain shape in different stages of your career and also in every stage of your personal life. That's what's going to allow you to effortlessly stand out for who you are, as opposed to forcing standing out for who you're not. And that's also going to mean, that many times when you look around, it will seem and feel like you're falling behind, but your soul will know that you aren't.


It's the cowards who struggle to maintain a life that isn't theirs to keep, while it's the brave ones who get to experience the true flow and ease that comes from being honest with oneself.


Love,

Mary.


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