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This morning I woke up and I was sad. In fact, I wasn't just sad. I was a lot of things. I wish sadness was the only thing that I was feeling. The best way I can describe what I was feeling, is by saying that it was an uncomfortable and heavy combination of depression and anxiety.
My morning depression
My morning depression reminded me of all the choices that I made over the past year, and questioned whether those were the right choices to make. My depression gave a judgemental look to my current situation and blamed me for not knowing how to avoid this. For not being clever enough. Smart enough. Fast enough. Bright enough.
But it also highlighted that if I hadn't made those choices, I'd probably be equally depressed as I already was on this day, one year ago, but with the additional ingredient of the uncertainty that whispered... ''What if you dare? What if you try? What if you step outside of your comfort zone? That's where true growth lies, they say, right?''
In a nutshell, my morning depression left me feeling hopeless. It told me ''You didn't do a good job this year. Look where your choices took you.'' but it also told me ''...but on the other hand, if you hadn't made those choices, your life wouldn't be any better''. So what my morning depression was saying was basically ''you're screwed''.
And if I had only felt that, I probably would've stayed in bed the whole day allowing myself to drown in my sorrows. But depression wasn't my only visitor. Anxiety was also there.
My morning anxiety
While my morning depression was making me feel profoundly hopeless, my morning anxiety reminded me of how my current life situation and the way in which I felt could get a thousand times worst if I didn't get up from bed right in that moment and start moving my ass to fix everything that was wrong in my life.
My anxiety was pushing me to get out of bed and just do something. Fix something. Fix everything. Act now. While at the same time not giving me any clarity on what exactly to solve or fix or do. But at the same time, my depression was sucking all of my creative energy. sending me pain signals every time I even considered to start moving my legs out of bed.
Lethal combination
I wish that this heavy and uncomfortable combination of feelings would have instantly faded away by opening Instagram and seeing the first motivational quote on my feed. But that's not how it works. And even though my broken heart knows this, I still went in the app and scrolled away in the hopes of distracting my inner pain, while miserably failing in the attempt to do so.
As my mind couldn't converge to anything that would make feel better, my soul reminded me that I was being a victim of my own mind, but that my human identity was so attached to my mind's thoughts, that I couldn't differentiate what was true from what wasn't anymore.
My soul's voice wisdom
So in that confusion and profound pain, the only clear voice that I could hear above the mental noise inside my head, was my soul's voice reminding me that I'm not my feelings, and that if I just allowed myself to welcome the discomfort that comes from experiencing depression and anxiety, all at the same time, I would notice that those feelings can't really destroy me, and that in the acceptance and observation of the discomfort, I would eventually, very slowly, regain clarity and inner peace.
So I trusted my soul's voice, because it was the only voice that gave me a tiny bit of peace. I closed my eyes, and I just allowed myself to feel it all. I allowed myself to feel the knot in my chest, the sadness in my heart, the anxiety in my mind, the resistance to accept my present, and I let the discomfort be there, without trying to push it away anymore.
I welcomed the pain
I accepted that getting out of bed wasn't going to be pretty, and I went and still did it, while acknowledging the presence of my pain. I knew I had little energy available in my body, so I didn't force myself into my usual morning workout. I went straight into the bathroom, and took a warm shower. I tried to cry and release the pain, but no tears would come out. And so I observed my own frustration of not even being able to cry, and having to keep the pain and discomfort inside.
And then I heard my soul again as it whispered: write. ''Write and I'll speak to you. Write so the ones that are also feeling this, can find comfort in your words. Write to make sense of your journey. Write to process what you're feeling. Write without external expectations. Write so that you can experience what it's like to be human'' it said.
Finally crying
And so, here I am. Sitting in Starbucks, with tears finally running down my cheeks, while there's people sitting all around me immersed in their own computers, not even noticing everything that's going inside of me in this simple yet complex human moment. And even though I'm crying, I finally feel liberated. I've finally set my emotions in motion, and I've remembered that I'm not a human falling behind. I'm a magical soul experiencing what it's like to be a human following her dreams.
My soul's message for us
And so, here's the message that's coming through and which my soul wants me to share with you.
We're not persons falling behind. We're magical souls experiencing what it's like to be humans. And it's when we believe that we're all human and no soul, that we get lost in the noise of the human experience. We need to remember what we're here for. We need to remember that we came to this world to play, to learn and to expand. Not to meet anyone else's timeline.
The earthly game
However, in the earthly game, there will be challenges, there will be losses, there will be failure and there will be pain. And specially if you live in disconnection with the soul in you, there will be not only pain, but also long and profound suffering. Suffering from unmet expectations, from comparison, from broken promises from yourself to others, from others to you, and the ones that hurt the most: broken promises from yourself to yourself.
Suffering that is born and amplified when you fall trap to the human game. When you get lost in the illusion that makes you feel that you're just a human aiming for some goal in the future that always seems to be mutating and never seems to fill the void in you, because it never seems to finally land in the present.
Suffering that ends, when you reconnect to the soul in you. When you make room for the magic of your soul to come through and remind you of the mission of your earthly experience: to see, to feel, to experience, to grow, to slow down, to breathe, and to stay connected to the guidance of your soul, when no one around you seems to understand what that even means.
Our mission
Our mission on this planet isn't to meet some egoic picture of perfection. Our mission on this planet, is to feel the human experience. An experience that will sometimes put you on top and sometimes will drag you down, and where both moments are simply meant for you to feel what they feel like. An experience where permanence is far from existing, where you'll fall way more that you'd like to, where you'll be misunderstood way more than you're comfortable with, and where you'll have to ask for help way more than your ego is prepared for.
An experience where you'll want to do everything by yourself, where you'll never want to feel like you depend on others, where you'll want to only bring and receive love and light, but where that's rarely going to happen. And that's because, this is not just the journey of your soul. This is the journey of your soul on earth as a human.
It's the contrast of the human experience
It's exciting but it's also uncertain. It's joyful but it's also painful. It's expansive but it's also compressive. It's liberating but it's also challenging. And you go into it either all in, or half in. But regardless of what you choose, you'll feel a lot of pleasure and a lot of pain.
If you're in pain right now, if you're feeling depressed or if anxiety is creeping on you, reconnect to the soul in you. Reconnect to the magic in you that goes beyond the pain inside the human experience. Elevate your awareness and expand your vision beyond the suffering that you're in. Reconnect to silence, meditate, and let your soul guide your words. Your soul is always guiding you and keeping you safe. All you have to, is make room to listen and to let it guide you.
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